To Trust Again

12 12 2014

“Why are you angry with God? He didn’t make these choices.”

Out of nowhere, the words hung in the air as I headed to my counselor’s home. It was a good question, I thought. He hadn’t made any of the choices that caused my pain.

We live in a fallen world, with fallen people who make bad choices – often without ever wondering why they’re doing so.

Their actions land on us, and we live out the consequences. That is all. In His sovereignty, God determined to allow free will to every human being on the planet…and didn’t limit it to those whose will was in line with His (which of us would qualify??).

It’s taken me a long time to sort things out and understand why I had turned on God with such fury. It boils down to one word:

Expectation

As God’s children, it is expected that our good behavior will be rewarded with sugar and spice and everything nice. Nothing bad should ever come our way. We are loved, cherished children of an all-powerful God who can protect us from everything.

To be honest, He hadn’t been ‘performing’ in a manner consistent with my expectations for…well, for all of my life. Many horrible things have happened to me. He ‘could’ have stopped them, but He didn’t.

Thus, when He broke into my current situation last spring and began to heal those who’d hurt me, I was more angry than I thought possible.

Angry with God

Freaking ticked!

I’d asked, begged, and pleaded with Him for years to intervene, to set things right. I can’t say how long ago I gave up asking and assumed that this was my lot in life…for the rest of my life. I’d made it thus far, it was obvious that I could hold out until the end.

Which was why my reaction stunned me.

At the same time, my faith was shaken to its very foundation. I was unsure whether I would still be willing to follow the Lord when all was said and done. He had done nothing according to my plan, or my timetable. I was disillusioned and wondered if I could trust Him after all.

Scary!

One of the things I’ve discovered is that there is a difference between faith and trust.

There was no doubt that I had saving faith going into this season. The fruit of the Spirit has been evident in ever-increasing ways. What I lacked was the cling-to-the-Rock-and-you’ll-be-okay trust that I desperately needed. I had faith that He saved me – just didn’t trust that He was going to (finally) do something about my life!!

It became apparent that there were many things I had yet to learn about God.

The first being that He had not caused any of this. Therefore, to blame Him was a lesson in futility.

I rewrote Proverbs 3:4-5 and tried to live by it this year. It goes like this:

Trust in yourself with all of your heart

Don’t ask God to give understanding

In all your ways try to make your plans work…

…and let me know how that turns out for you!

It’s been a rough year, one from which I wasn’t sure I’d ever emerge intact. At long last, I’m able to step back from my life and gain God’s perspective a little. Things look much better from there – certainly not so intense.

His plans for me are for good and not for evil. Like Joseph, I can say, “You meant this for evil, but God meant it for good.” I’m coming back around to the faith – no trust – that “all things work together for those who love God.”

I just had no idea what those “all things” might entail.

The last three months have been well-spent. God provided the most amazing counselor I could have ever received. I’m sure He chose His very best to minister to me. She’s more of a “heart specialist” really. Every week God has used what’s going on around me to stir up deep, deep wounds and heal them. (Hint: Forgiveness looms large in healing!)

I had no idea that there were so many strongholds within my heart. It’s been painful – and yet brings freedom like I’ve never known.

I’m not sure who I’ll be when He’s finished; He’s left no stone unturned. I’ll be different, of that I am certain.

The time is close when I will, finally, make the paradigm shift so needed in my understanding of Who God is and how He works. Very close.

At last, I shall trust Him again.

*****

 I’m embarrassed to admit what this journey has looked like. I wish it wasn’t so. Thanks for “listening!”

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24 responses

27 12 2014
Heidi Viars

So good to read your post, sweet blogging friend. As we travel this uncertain road, it is good know others are traveling along side. THANK YOU for your honest post. It blessed me today. I am praying! He is faithful and will finish what He has started in us!

29 12 2014
lessonsbyheart

His faithfulness amazes me. 🙂
\o/

15 12 2014
Dana Bradley

I hope for a happy healing heart soon for you my friend! I love you sister.

29 12 2014
lessonsbyheart

Thanks, sweet sister!
\o/

13 12 2014
paulfg

“I’m embarrassed to admit what this journey has looked like. I wish it wasn’t so. Thanks for “listening!”

Tami, I ponder “perfect journeys” with a thoughtful scepticism. Seems to me that relationship with our Lord is best experienced without any filters or finery. And when we shed all that “image stuff” we wear for others, then words like yours make it okay for me to also shed my image stuff. And that means I just may experience “a real” Father, and have the courage to try for a real relationship.

Thank you. Your words are empowering.

29 12 2014
lessonsbyheart

Your words gave my heart wings. I truly appreciate your comments.

\o/

12 12 2014
nopew

Likewise, I was glad to see you had blogged. I also had to trash my expectations of God. I had been fed a theology of God that did not fit reality, so when it crashed so did I. And then I noticed God is real, not a system of ideals or ideas, and I saw God’s tears. People failed me – not God. But then I saw how sad that made God that they had not done their ministry! “They don’t know what they are doing” became real instead of a platitude. May Jesus grow more and more real for you – it’s the only way to live. That’s not my theory, but my experience.
Peace

12 12 2014
lessonsbyheart

Yeah, I’m getting there too. Funny you mentioned God’s tears. I saw them as well, and for the same reason. He is so good to us!

\o/

12 12 2014
Mel Wild

Thanks for sharing this, Tami. I know it must’ve been difficult but God will use your vulnerability and transparency to bring healing and hope to others going through these kinds of disappointments with God. For, in many different ways, we all have these issues of trust with God to deal with in our own souls. You give us courage to face them. Blessings to you, sister.

12 12 2014
lessonsbyheart

Thanks for your kind support, dear brother. I’ve enjoyed your posts in my absence – reading, but no comments. You’ve brought clarity to some of the things I faced. I truly appreciate all you write.

\o/

12 12 2014
Mel Wild

And thank you for that! I so appreciate you. 🙂 I’m praying for upgrade and increase (in love, wisdom, joy, fulfillment) in your next season, and may you feel your heavenly Papa’s big bear hug, holding you so close to Himself you feel inside of Him, and may everything the enemy has tried to take from you be restored seven fold. Amen!

12 12 2014
lessonsbyheart

AMEN!!!

12 12 2014
denacyd

Oh my wow! It seems there are so many of us living the same journey…in so many different ways. Faith and trust…that’s a topic I have written about AND had conversations with at least three others learning the same stinking lesson! Read the Grave Robber by Mark Batterson. Just this morning I was reading about lazarus’ death and resurrection. He said that before God can show up and show off, something has to die…things must go from bad to worse. Yep, that’s been my year too. So much for the eager anticipation of the great things God would do this year. Instead, he has stripped EVERY good thing away…but I know it is because he is making room for the best things yet to come! Hang in there, sweet friend! You are NOT alone!

12 12 2014
lessonsbyheart

While I haven’t been posting or commenting, I’ve been reading. I saw your post earlier this week about what you *thought* the year would hold – and the reality. Mine’s gone much the way yours has. I was going to email you privately and tell you how encouraged I was when I read your post. Misery loves company!!!

It’s nice to know that I wasn’t the only one who misunderstood what the Lord’s promise would look like in living color! What a year!

\o/

12 12 2014
vonhonnauldt

It’s always tough when the statue of gold we thought we were turns out to have feet of clay, indeed, to be nothing but clay. I was so glad to see you back. I said, “Amen!” when I saw the notice on fb. But He WILL finish the work He began in you, Phil. 1:6!

12 12 2014
lessonsbyheart

Like a lump of clay that’s been slammed onto the wheel, pushed, mashed, spun in neverending circles…yes, that pretty much describes this last year!

It’s good to be back.

\o/

12 12 2014
vesselsministry

Welcome Back – / – ~ Amen :Y

12 12 2014
lessonsbyheart

It’s good to be back. I’ve sure missed everyone here!

\o/

12 12 2014
Connie Newman

I love your message today – have been praying for you these past months. Would love to talk with you when you have time – let me know if you need my number. God is good – all the time!

12 12 2014
lessonsbyheart

Hi, Connie! I e-mailed you with my phone number. Let’s talk…and THANK YOU for the prayers. They’ve really helped.

\o/

12 12 2014
blmaluso

May God continue to bless you. The Holy Spirit is healing you from the Inside out:-) Instead of the band aid that was in place for many years, your wounds and infections are being cleaned and scrubbed clean. Not an easy process, I know…I have been there and the Lord is still healing layer after layer of junk that I have accumulated.
My prayers are with you, my friend.
Love and hugs, Bernadette

12 12 2014
lessonsbyheart

Thank you again for your support. You were an answer to prayer, for I could find no one “up close” to help me find my way. I think I’m finally pulling out. 🙂

\o/

12 12 2014
kingintraining

Exciting! Difficult i’m sure but it seems He enjoys making things new 😀

12 12 2014
lessonsbyheart

What a process it is, though!

\o/

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